Do you know any stubborn children or pushy parents?

Oppositional Defiant ** (a.k.a. Stubborn) Child – signs, symptoms and behaviors:

• Negativity
• Defiance
• Disobedience
• Hostility directed toward authority figures
• Often feeling a depth of rage that is chilling both to child and those around them
• Temper tantrums
• Argumentativeness with adults
• Refusal to comply with adult requests or rules
• Deliberate annoyance of other people
• Blaming others for mistakes or misbehavior
• Acting touchy and easily annoyed
• Anger and resentment
• Spiteful or vindictive behavior
• Aggressiveness toward peers
• Difficulty maintaining friendships
• Academic problems

Obsessive Compulsive*** (a.k.a. Pushy) Parent – signs, symptoms and behaviors:

• Unable to leave anything to chance
• Anxious that is in denial about which then leads to obsessional thinking which makes the anxiety worse until it erupts into compulsive (and controlling) behavior
• Ignores the positive and focuses on and zooms in to fix the negative, because is worried that something awful will happen if they don’t
• Perceived by child as being much more critical than supportive
• Perceived to sound like a “broken record” of negativity by child
• When being supportive perceived by child to be inauthentic and insincere
• Rarely admits they are wrong and when do it is perceived to be insincere
• Consistently gives unsolicited advice
• Often interrupts, but can’t stand to be interrupted
• Acts overly angry, hurt or sullen when unsolicited advice, instruction, etc. are refused or rebuffed
• Unable to accept that their good intentions of being helpful to their child is actually making the situation worse
• Unable to see how their parenting style may contribute to (not to be confused with entirely cause) their child’s oppositional, defiant behavior
• Often in conflict with other parent who they see as being unsupportive (when it’s usually a matter of their disagreeing with the first parent’s style and often having a similar resentment of it as does their child)
• Will discontinue with any therapist that suggests that a significant part of the problem may lay with their intrusive and controlling parenting style

Rx: Most obsessive compulsive pushy/helicopter parents will not have read this far, but if they have and would like to see what they need to do differently, it is first needing to agree and accept that their most important responsibilities as parents are:

• Helping their child discover what they can be great at and be fulfilled by and then help their child achieve that
• Preparing a child to be effective and successful and happy in the world by doing any and everything that result in their child at 18 becoming Child A below and avoid doing any and everything that would result in their child becoming Child B below.

1. Parents then need to realize and truly accept that their parenting style is a significant factor in triggering their child’s oppositional defiant behavior.
2. Parents need to take responsibility for being a significant causative factor and commit themselves to modifying both their attitude and behavior toward and with their child. The first step in doing that is repairing the damage they have caused that has led to their child not opening up to them. To do that that they need to drain the pus underneath the scab of oppositional and defiant behavior in their child. They can do that by following these steps:
1. Ask your child when it would be a good time to speak to them about an apology you need to make to the
2. After their jaw drops and they tell you when it’s a good time say: “When I give you advice or suggestions you don’t want to hear that frustrates you, doesn’t it?” (wait for them to say, “Yes”
3. Then say: “At its worst, how frustrated can I make you feel?” (wait for them to say, “Very” or “Huh?” and then repeat the question
4. Then say: “At its very worst and you are either hating what I’m saying or hating me for saying it, what does it make you want to do?” (wait for them to respond with things such as: “scream,” “slam the door,” “shut down,” “punch something” or even “hurt myself”
5. Then say (and mean): “I am sorry, I didn’t know it was so bad and we’re going to fix that so you don’t have to go to that place again.”
3. Parents should share with their child the parents’ above responsibilities of helping them discover where they can be great and happy and also preparing them to be Child A above.
4. Parents should then ask their children how they can be “better” parents given that they have those responsibilities and that to give into their child’s every whim will result in their failing as a parent, because their child will be totally unprepared for a world that doesn’t given into them.

* Parents personalities and parenting styles are not the sole causes of Oppositional Defiant Behavior and other factors such as A.D.H.D., learning disabilities, anxiety, depression, social issues such as being bullied or excluded at school, disruptive home environment due to divorce, highly conflicted parents, or major financial problems need to also be identified and corrected and/or treated.

** Oppositional Defiant.  The oppositional behavior of most children is a way of communicating in behavior, “I’m NOT wrong” as a reaction to feeling that their parent is mainly communicating (both verbally and non-verbally) that, “If you think, feel or do anything different than what I think, feel and do, you are wrong.”  Hence, the oppositional behavior is actually done in self-defense as a protective behavior against what is perceived to be an overwhelming, pushy, “know it all” parent.  The defiant behavior occurs after the hurt and frustration of being told they’re wrong settles in and then the child seeks to retaliate and get even.

*** Obsessive Compulsive. The obsessive thinking of a parent comes from anxiety built upon their believing that unless they are completely in control of everything, they are out of control.  This parent cannot accept much less conceive that nearly all of life takes place in the “not in control” zone and that usually the most you can do with other people is influence them.  And they certainly don’t get that being pushy as a way of influencing someone has the opposite effect.  The compulsive behavior of a parent comes when their obsessive thinking instead of relieving the anxiety underneath actually makes it worse.  At that point the anxiety triggers in their brain what is knows as an amygdala hijack* away from constructive problem solving and the parent launches into some compulsive behavior which actually makes the situation much worse.

*In the middle brain is a structure called the amygdala.  When sensory input comes in, it goes to another part of the brain called the thalamus which routes the neurostimulation to the upper brain for thinking (that uniquely human thing we do) which then re-routes it to the amygdala to trigger an emotional reaction and then an action which the amygdala does through peptides and hormones.  But, when a potential threat comes in, the amygdala can hijack the stimulus away from the upper brain and cause irrational (or more accurately non-rational) and destructive fight or flight reactions.

Anger is probably the result of an amygdala hijack taking place that literally causes you to shoot from the hip instead of from your head.